It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
