You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
