Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
