All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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