Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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