Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
