she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
