its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
