the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
her vagine was all disorganized.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
