I wish my penis had an off switch
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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