and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
