Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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