I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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