She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
