Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
