I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
