I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
