smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
