He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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