i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
