why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
