Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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