Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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