Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
