Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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