New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
