onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
