I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
