There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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