the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
