Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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