cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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