there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
