i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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