Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
