Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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