He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
