Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
