you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
It's shark week go big or go home
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
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