i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
