Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
