and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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