You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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