GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
