I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
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Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
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Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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