If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just want nice things and good sex
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
