im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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