You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? ðð