one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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