I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
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The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
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Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize