Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs