gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
