I want to make a zoo with you.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
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