Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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