I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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