The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
